My good friend and mentor, Charlie Kelley, passed away last week. I wrote about him in my last post knowing it was only a matter of days until he would move to his eternal home. And now, I no longer have a classic mentor…one who is one generation ahead of me, one who has seen some things and been where I have not yet been.

This is not to say I have no mentors. I do. I have a handful of co-mentors. Good friends and confidants who are roughly my age and are navigating life at a shared life stage. I’m privileged to have them, and look forward to many years of mutual encouragement and insights.

What about you? Since I began writing about this topic of mentoring, a number of you have reached out to process it with me. A big question on people’s minds is, “How do I find a mentor?”

The process of securing a mentor can be fraught with nervousness. Is there anyone who cares enough about me to dedicate a regular designated spot on their calendar for me? Am I worthy of this kind of attention? Do I even know anyone older and wiser? Or are any of my same-aged friends ready for an upgrade in our relationship? These are real issues, so don’t feel bad if they strike home.

So, how do you establish a mentor in your life?

1. Be intentional. It’s unlikely to happen by accident or serendipitously. You have to go on a hunt. Like every other aspect of personal well-being, you have to want it and commit yourself to it.
2. Look close by. More than likely your mentor is already in your sphere of influence. There is probably someone who you will not have to start from scratch with. They may not know the deepest part of you yet, but they know enough to ask good questions. Trust your intuition here. Look at your people and I’ll bet you have a hunch who might fit the bill.
3. Go after it. Ask for a meeting with the one who stands out from the rest in your life. Do not beat around the bush with them. “I’m looking for a mentor in my life. Would you be willing to consider that role?” They’ll be surprised, no doubt, but I promise they will be honored that you asked. Oh, and be clear what you are asking for…a long-term connection (Monthly? In person? Virtual?) and do not settle for anything less.
4. Set a trial period…a beta test. Make clear that when the initial period is over you can both opt out.

What if there really is no one in your circle of friends who fits the bill?

5. Start paying attention to people you run into or observe from a distance. People you admire…or even may intimidate you. People you can’t imagine would be interested in you. Look for someone who has been where you want to go. Then approach them boldly, telling them what you are looking for. I promise that they will be honored, even if they are unable to accommodate due to their schedule. And you might be surprised who says yes!
6. Be intentional. I know I said this already, but it bears repeating. Mentors are found by searching and praying and approaching and meeting. If you want this badly enough…and you should…then get after it.

I’d be curious to know, from my readers – what success have you found in establishing mentors in your life or what questions do you have about it? Drop me a note when you can. I read every one I receive! And please forward this to someone you know who would benefit from it!

I wish you well in discovering the one(s) who will urge you on, weep with you and rejoice in your wins!

“Show me a successful individual and I’ll show you someone who had real positive influences in his or her life. I don’t care what you do for a living—if you do it well, I’m sure there was someone cheering you on or showing the way. A mentor.”
 — Denzel Washington